Lonely but not Alone

You know how you have one of those days where everything just clicks? You come to a realization about something and that's all you think about? Today was one of those days.

I have three kids. The most recent one entered into our lives in December and hasn't stopped screaming since he was born. He wants the world to know he is here and everybody knows of his presence every time we enter a room because he just has to announce his entrance. He smiles the sweetest smile and has the most beautiful blue eyes. He is a huge chunk of a baby with fat roles for miles. I love him.

The middle kid is amazing. He teaches me everyday that laughing can cure the saddest heart and that with a little determination we can overcome anything. He is stubborn but so lovable. I love him.

The oldest loves to talk, and talk, and talk. He has the biggest personality that fills a room and he wants so hard to always be the good kid. He strives so hard to be the best big brother and to help me everyday. He is super smart and nothing is too challenging. I love him.

These are wonderful children. They are fun to be around and I wouldn't trade them for anything. I am living my dream job. I am lonely.

I have a special needs child.

Every week we plan how our days are going to go based on what appointments we have. On average we have at least one Doctors appointment and one therapy session every week. Every day I spend working around a medication and feeding schedule. We try and fit in therapy practice and working with him on strengthening his body so that one day he will hopefully learn to be as independent as possible. If we make it to the park we're lucky, most days I just send my oldest outside to run his energy out with our barking dog. Nap time is cherished because it's the only time of day where I can focus on myself and even then I have the boob monster (youngest) hanging off of me. Each day is a challenge. Each day is hard work.

I get up most mornings wondering if it's worth the energy to take the kids to the store. I calculate how much energy must be used to just get into the car. I go through a mental check list to be sure I have everything I need for the possibility of a long outing and to be sure that I always have emergency meds available. These are things that most moms think about anyways.

Most days I am doing addition in my head. I am adding up how many calories he has had today and how many  more he has to take in order to hit his caloric goal so he can gain weight and develop and grow. I worry that my husband is tired of yet again hearing me talk about his caloric intake, eating challenges, and my concerns over my son not taking a poop. I constantly have a fear of not being able to meet the needs of my other two children because I am so focused on my middle child that I almost make myself sick. I worry that my oldest has to grow up too fast because I am so overwhelmed every day that I have to have him help me do things and despite his eagerness to be my big helper I worry that one day he will resent me for it. Play dates are rare because of how often we have an appointment with somebody. I spend so much energy trying to prove to our physicians and specialists that I am a good mom and I take care of my kid. I also spend a lot of time fighting with nurses that don't want to listen to what I have to say because they think they are right when they have only seen my child once. Despite being surrounded by people I am still lonely.

Whenever I talk to people about my son people automatically get this look in their eyes, it can easily be translated as "bless your heart" which in the south is not a good thing. I get sadness and they feel bad for me. Some people get offended because I can't attend something to help in some way because of my son. A lot of people just plain don't understand a thing. Being a mom of a special needs child means I make a lot of sacrifices to give him a wonderful life. It means that I have a lot of patience and I have become an expert at what works to make the poo come. I can also tell you that no one understands what it's like to be a stay at home mom to a special needs child. How truly lonely it is because someone complains about their kid not learning to walk at 12 months when your kid is 2 and is just barely sitting alone. How you have a picky eater on your hands when my child will only eat a bottle in a certain position and it has to be heated to a certain temperature. Or how when you brag about your child's Growth on the growth chart and they are at the top whatever percentile when my kid doesn't even land anywhere on that chart and I find that information insignificant.

I realized today that despite being surrounded by my three wonderful children and my sexy hot husband I really am lonely. So I ask you this, if you know a mom who has special needs children please just go sit with her and talk about anything other than her child. Paint her toes or fingernails. Bring her a fabulous lunch or drink lemonade on the front porch while stuffing a box of chocolates in your mouths. I can guarantee you that it will seem like paradise to her. An escape from everything she is constantly thinking about. She will feel human. You never know just how far a simple hello could go.

Determination

Inspiration was given to me by a friend, she is a strong and fearless person so I decided I would use her example. This is because of YOU.

I know that it is the 5th of January, long past new years day but it has taken me a while to think and decide on what this year would be to me. In order for me to explain my New Year let me sum up my Last Year.

We started out last year rather hard, we found that we would give birth to a possibly handicapped child IF we made it to term. We had just finished our treatments and decided to leave the remainder in Gods hands. We had recently moved to Florida and we had no close family to lean on so we had to be our own family unit. We did a lot of growing up in a short amount of time......OK I did a lot of growing up in a short amount of time. I learned potty training is really not glamorous and how gross boys really are and how fascinated with their wee wee's they can truly be. I did not know that pee pee can get in so many hard to reach places. I did not imagine that so many Doctors appointments could ever exist in one month and that giving medication to an infant is really difficult especially if they have texture issues. I learned that therapy is a blessing and that people are either nice and kind or judgy and think you are the worst mom ever. Hospitals are a blessing and insurance is a curse. I learned that some battles are worth fighting for and some are just meant for my husband to fight (I get too emotional too fast) I learned that this year has really put a strain on my relationship with my Heavenly Father and that I am really trying hard not to be too angry. I learned that I am an amazing mom who is on the verge of a meltdown ALL THE TIME.

So this year is going to be Determination. I will conquer all that is set before me.

This year I have learned something else about myself. If it seems too hard I want to give up. I am given a challenge in life where giving up is not an option. I have given up on myself way too often. Every time I start doing something for myself I feel that something else seems more important. When I start to feel pulled in too many directions I just want to stop and drop everything and the first thing that is dropped is something I do for myself. I am the most important person and I have never been selfish enough to say it out loud. I am determined to remember that I am first and foremost. 

I am determined to be a better person. I will try to control my filter.....or add a stronger filter? I have offended enough and said too many things that need not be said. I need to realize when and where some things need to be said. I tend to say the wrong thing at the right time but when I need to be that individual I hunker down in my shell and hide. I will be stronger.

I will work towards a better healthier lifestyle. Lets face it people, i have gotten fat....F.A.T. I am determined to lose the love handles and work towards being the better me physically. I need to be able to do more things for my kids so why not start now.....or after we move. 

I am determined to teach my son how to eat consistently with a spoon, drink from a bottle or sippy cup, and sit on his own or slightly assisted. I will teach my oldest his ABC (how to recognize them) and his numbers....HELL why not to read too (just kidding)

I am determined to love my husband more. I will show my love in kind gentle ways. I will work to not be so quick to lash out or be angry at him for stupid things. He is the love of my life and my eternal companion. He works hard and deserves a loving home and happy wife to come home to.

I am determined to work on my forgiveness and spiritual growth. Though I feel frustrated and lost it does not mean that I am being punished in any way. I need to understand that these trials I am going through are best for me (saying and realizing it are different things) 

Determination is 2015

This year we are moving. I started off our year packing and purging. It almost seems a relief to be able to get rid of all this junk we never use. It is hard work and I am doing it alone. Boxes are starting to be stacked everywhere and chaos has been created. As I am working towards our new place I am realizing that this is the way to begin a New Year. Most people would love to start a year out like this. I am moving to a new area where nobody knows me (kinda) where we have never lived before. It is almost like a clean slate! 

2015 here I come!!

Magical Times

We have arrived at a very beautiful and magical time of year. There is this exciting buzz about the air in anticipation of Christmas. This time of year always seems like we all have a very exciting secret that we all keep and can’t wait for the surprise to happen. This excitement almost seems contagious and spreads so easily among one another. Brothers and Sisters it is Christmas time!

All around us there are Christmas trees decorated with colorful ornaments that each have a special meaning or just fill empty spaces. They all hold a special memory of a child's birth, Milestone in life, or even a hard year that was conquered. The mantles hang cute decorative stockings each representing the family members in the home ready to be stuffed full of goodies. Under the tree there are boxes wrapped in beautiful colored papered and bows ready to be torn apart by eager hands, The city twinkles with lights all around whether from the tree, your neighbors over decorated house, or the stars shining in the sky.

Thinking about Christmas I came upon a talk that was in the December 2012 edition of the Liahona that President Monson gave and I found a poem that i would like to share with you

I am the Christmas Spirit—

I enter the home of poverty, causing pale faced children to open their eyes wide, in pleased wonder.

I cause the mister’s clutched hand to relax and thus paint a bright spot on his soul.

I cause the aged to renew their youth and to laugh in the old glad way.

I keep romance alive in the heart of childhood, and brighten sleep with dreams woven of magic.

I cause eager feet to climb dark stairways with filled baskets, leaving behind hearts amazed at the goodness of the world.

I cause the prodigal to pause a moment on his wild, wasteful way and send to anxious love some little token that releases glad tears—tears which wash away the hard lines of sorrow.

I enter dark prison cells, reminding scarred manhood of what might have been and pointing forward to good days yet to be.

I come softly into the still, white home of pain, and lips that are too weak to speak just tremble in silent, eloquent gratitude.

In a thousand ways, I cause the weary world to look up into the face of God, and for a little moment forget the things that are small and wretched.

I am the Christmas Spirit.1

The Christmas spirit truly does cause much happiness in times of sadness and hope to those who have none but I have come to see that Christmas turns our hearts and our minds to the little babe that was born to save us and our Heavenly Father who sent him here to us. It truly does cause us “the weary world” to remember something greater and more loving. Heber J Grant once said that the story of Jesus is a story of old that ever remains new. The oftener I read of His life and labors the greater is the Joy, the peace, the happiness, the satisfaction that fills my soul.

Christmas has come down to us as a day of thanksgiving and rejoicing, a day of good cheer and good will to men, Although it has an earthly relation and significance, it is divine in content. Every year during the christmas season we are reminded of how truly blessed we are to have Christ in our lives, He offers joy, hope, faith, love and salvation to each one of us expecting so little in return. No wonder the Christmas season seems so full of magic. Each christmas we get together as families and share gifts to others, a roof over a lonely persons head or a warm meal to get them through the night. As we grow older we are less and less excited about receiving and more and more excited about giving. What I love most about this time of year is the reminder of how important family is and how we try harder to be with family.

The most amazing part of Christmas is being reminded that we were given the most amazing of gifts long long ago. It was not wrapped in a pretty sparkling bow and paper or put under a shimmering Christmas tree. He was wrapped in swaddling clothing and placed in a manger. If we think about Christ and his entrance in to this world it was very simple and so is Christ's love for us. Just imagine the excitement the world felt that day Christ entered this world and became part of us. The prophets had prophesied years and years about the coming of Christ and for years people waited and waited until at last it did happen. Imagine that all the anticipation of generations of people coming true in one night and the feeling that swept throughout the nation. The spirit speaking to all the believers and nonbelievers of the birth of a Savior. The buzz of excitement, the anticipation of something that is coming, it is almost like the Christmas season but much stronger. The Christmas season not only reminds us of our love for Christ and our Heavenly Father but it also strengthens our love and devotion to them. We have truly been given the most amazing gift, the gift of all gifts, we just need to receive this gift with open arms and heart.

As our year ends we reflect upon the choices we have made throughout the year, we remember the happy moments spent learning a new talent, watching our children reach those amazing milestones or remembering the loved ones that passed on or the mistakes we had made that caused pain and heartache. We are reminded that our saviour came to this earth to save us, he gave us repentance and eternal love. The celebration of the birth of Christ reminds us of the newness of a new year and the ability to forgive and move on to a better stronger year. I love listening to christmas music that speaks of the baby jesus. Each time one comes on I get goose bumps all over my arms and i just want to sing as loud as i can, and i do much to my families delight, Christ is born! He is my saviour! Hallelujah! What greater time to celebrate! Each song that is sung of Jesus reminds me of hope and love. It gives me strength to face another year no matter how long or hard it might be. President Monson also spoke of us giving a gift to our saviour in return. He suggests that we render ourselves obedient and less selfish or quarrelsome, that we give more of ourselves and ask less of others, that we remember to truly “love one another” our hearts should be gladdened, we should have kind words to say, deeds to be done, and souls to save. The Christmas season opens so many opportunities for us to share the gospel and the wonder of our Savior gift to us.

In the beginning God called for light, and the stars were made according to his word. They are here tonight, flecks of light silver and Gold.

And once again Heavens Voice is heard.

But this is a new star, its light will never dim.

Others fill the sky tonight, But this one leads to Him.

As we look at our beautiful sparkling trees and watch our families and friends tear joyously at the gifts we must remember that this is a beautiful time of year to celebrate our Savior Jesus Christ. Because of Him we are able to know that we will be with our families for eternity, that we are loved and given second chances,That miracles really do happen. It is a time to enjoy and be happy and remember that our love for Heavenly Father and for Jesus Christ can be so much stronger the next year and that we may be ending a year where we did our best to draw closer to him, this new year is full of hope and promise. If we remember our promise to never forget him and open our hearts to him we could have the best year ever! I know that if we just open our minds and our hearts and forgive ourselves that the saviour will enter in and heal those broken wounds. I know that through faith and diligence we will learn the true and great  love that we have yet to realize and true happiness will finally enter in.  It does not matter what house we live in, what little food we have on our table, what we give or receive this holiday season, what matters is that we remember the greatest love and gift given to us this holiday season.

Juggling

This last week has been educational, emotional, and exhausting. I have learned so much and I have the need to share. 

Everyday is very much the same at my house. I am very routine driven and when my routine is thrown off I feel like my world is out of control. I have learned that routine is good and bad. It is good when you have kids. I have my oldest on a routine when it comes to almost everything food or sleep oriented. It has made my life a little easier because he starts to know when things are coming. It has become a huge blessing for my youngest because even though he is go with the flow it helps me keep everything in order as to when I have my time, Therapy time, feeding time, medicine time, and diaper changing time (diaper changes just seem to slip through my fingers, if I don't watch the time he will soak through a onesie and not even blink.) I am so routine that I even have certain days of the week scheduled for certain chores that need to be done. I KNOW!!!! I'm crazy. 

Routine is also bad, It can become like we are stuck in a never ending cycle of doing the same thing every day. It makes us go through the motions but not really be present. It makes us forget that we are individuals that can actually do something different. Does laundry really need to be done on Monday? Do I really need to vacuum or clean the bathroom that currently smells like boy? Does the bed really need to be made even though my husband and oldest child can not resist the urge to mess up a nicely made bed? (I mean seriously what is that about??) NO!!!!

This past week my routine was thrown completely out the window. I mean out of bounds out the window. Way out there. 

Lately my life seems to be centered around my youngest son. He has come to be a huge time taker and he does need extra care. He has therapy twice a week at the hospital (which is exhausting) and we do therapy on our own in the home. Every now and then our schedule gets really full of doctors appointments and it becomes so insane that having a "normal" day seems weird. This week was one of those weeks. We had therapy and two additional appointments for Oliver but what was odd was that my wonderful amazing hubby could not watch my oldest so he had to tag along. Usually my oldest will stay home do whatever it is he does and these appointments don't take any time away from him and its like nothing ever happened. I had to take my oldest with me to these appointments and I learned how draining it is on me but more on my oldest child. This is what I learned.

Gabe never asked to have a younger sibling. He is quite happy being the center of attention and craves it most of the time. He has been the center of attention for 2.5 years so yes he should love it. Ollie came along with all his issues and he is learning that sometimes it is not his time but it shouldn't be like that all the time. Gabe is very patient and gentle with his younger brother and loves to take care of him. If Ollie cries he tells me "I got it mommy" and just stands over him like a guardian (doesn't do anything). He tries to make Ollie laugh and Ollie has eyes only for his older brother. They are such good kids together. 

After our busy couple of days I went to bed thinking about how Gabe was acting. He had started to get very destructive, acting out, and getting in to things he knows he should not get in to. When I was just so close to being asleep the light bulb went of in my head (yes you know the one) and I knew what needed to be done. We needed to have time with just Gabe. He needed to have a day where he could do anything he wanted. Gabe needed a Gabe day.

I try so hard, so very hard to help my kids not feel like one is more important than the other. That one is not more special. I realized that Gabe may have been feeling left out because all these people were talking to me and Oliver at these appointments. He doesn't get to sit in the big chair and get eye drops, he doesn't get to play with the cool therapy toys or have people love or hug on him. When I work with Ollie it looks like I am playing with him and Gabe wants to join in but can't because he plays too rough sometimes. 

We went to the park and played. I actually got off my big butt (it is huge people) and ran around playing hide and seek, Swinging, and sliding (there is a lot of static on plastic slides) and he had a blast. Whatever Gabe wanted to do we did it. We walked over the bridge oh so many times, we walked out to the water and looked at imaginary fishies and looked at the beautiful Lily pads. We talked while sitting on a bench. We had a wonderful lunch and a tantrum less nap time. Gabe had his day where he made decisions and asked nicely, said please and thank you, it was my old Gabe back. I understand how he feels, most times I get in this rut where I feel I am invisible but still have to do things. I want someone to just give me a me day or focus on me for a change. I need to be the center of attention occasionally so I understand. 

This week I learned that Gabe needs Gabe time and I need to break my robotic routine to give him what he needs. 

The juggle is tricky, the jiggle in the jungle is what got us here !)

MOM

Earlier this week I was talking to my mother about how our parents always say to us when we are acting out as children "I hope you have kids like you one day!" We always laugh it off and think it is an empty curse.......IT. IS. NOT!!!!
I have a now 3 year old son and a 6 month old baby. They are a wonderful blessing to our lives and I would never want them to go back (they have been pushed out and will stay out forever) BUT some days I wish I could reverse time and not do whatever I did to my mother for her to put this terrible curse upon me and my future offspring. Do I really think it would help? no, but thinking that it might is a little comforting.

I have changed a lot over the last 1.5 years. I am now a mom of two wonderful children. I have been married for 5 years and I am that much closer to 30 (not as close as my hubby). I was in the kitchen and I realized that I have become the mother that I used to mock. I would look at my husband and say if I ever become like that shoot me (its like the "if I get fat shoot me" kinda thing.) Need an example?

I make baby food for my youngest son.
After his last stay in the hospital he was put on a medication to help with the seizures and we have to administer it with some form of food. He doesn't do well with spoon feeding and that was a very slow process. Even after 6 weeks of work he will eat with a spoon at night but not in the morning and only with a rubber tipped spoon. The baby food has  to be made a special way with so many parts boob juice (gasp she said boob) and so much fruit and a touch of rice cereal (so he gets his iron). If it is too thick or grainy he will not eat it. This little bugger will clamp down his gums so tight. We went through jars and jars of baby food trying to find what he likes (total waste of money even though it's 50 cents a jar that adds up) and finally my husband suggested adding boob juice and little bit of fruit and slowly adding more fruit to the mix, it was the best most genius idea ever and I think I fell more in love with him that night. So yes I make baby food for my kid. I NEVER dreamed I would do that (i really am too lazy in reality)

I cloth diaper my child.
Ollie wears cloth diapers. My oldest did not. We filled those landfills with reusable diapers with my oldest and I really didn't care. (i kinda love the smell of disposable diapers, they remind me of babies). Our daycare wouldn't even take cloth in the first place. Problem? Gabe had insane diaper rash that was impossible to cure for almost 2 solid years. Potty training finally cure the problem. We couldn't figure out why even though we changed him every hour on the hour he still had a massive red butt. Ollie hasn't had a rash since he came home from the hospital and was put in cloth diapers. I don't do it because I want to save the planet, I do it because my poor children can't stand what is in the disposable diapers and getting chlorine free or whatever disposables in more expensive that getting my hands dirty (literally, I mean poo everywhere) I never really thought I would follow through with cloth but I love it!! (I really am too lazy in reality)

I am overprotective of my children.
I love my kids and I can't imagine anything happening to them. I am really very protective of my youngest for reasons previously stated in my blog. I kinda panic when I think about leaving him alone with someone who doesn't "know" him. I have an entire book dedicated to Ollies medical history and it goes with me everywhere. I literally bombard my pediatrician every time I see them with a list (yes I make a list) of stuff that I am concerned about (like a small itty bitty dry spot on his skin that won't clear up and all that we need to do is leave it alone) I freak out if he has a clogged nose and has trouble breathing and goes to bed sounding congested. I literally found myself sleep walking last night checking on him more than once (i really have a problem) I am way more laid back with Gabe but I will still ask if I feel it is necessary. Don't you even start to tell me that my kid is behind or should be doing this at this age I will crawl up your back!!!

I put my kids first
I don't need to really explain that one. I have gained way too much weight that I am having trouble losing all because I want my kid to eat dinner so it is made up of things my kid will eat too. Salad does not sound appetizing to me when I have had a long day visiting doctors or fighting with my child to pick up his toys. (for the 100th time that day)


soooooo....now that I sound crazy let me tell you something. I'm a MOM!!!!! I know what is best for my kids. I don't just get a bug up my butt and decide that something is wrong, I listen, watch, and learn. If I feel something is not right I will investigate it.

To all mommies out there. I am a crazy psycho Mom. I love my kids way too much. I have a super strict routine that can not be messed with. I like things done a certain way and at a certain time. I go out of my way to make sure that my kids are comfortable and taken care of. I can't really talk about much other than my kids (really seriously) they consume my life. I work hard to make sure that I am available at all times (even when I am POOPING!!!!!) At some time during the day I have a child on my boob, hanging on to my leg, sliding down my lap (i really hate that one) or I'm just sitting on the couch staring off in to space because I literally can not think or function and need one moment of sanity. I literally have eyes on me at all times of the day. I don't like to take naps because I feel like that is a wast of me time gone down the drain. I strive to make sure that all the laundry is clean folded and put away and the house is vacuumed. I try to make sure there is not pee on the floor or that the bathroom doesn't smell like boy in case someone decides to visit (which doesn't usually happen) I constantly feel like I am cooking, cleaning, and feeding the never ending pits everyday all day long.
Some days I feel so run down that getting out of bed is a chore but I do it anyways because the two little leaches would starve, run around naked, and die without me.

I give moms out there a high five and all the respect I can muster up. Never did we appreciate your hard work and dedication to us children. We caused you to have sleepless nights, Grow premature gray hair, and get a heart attack at least once a week. We caused the dreaded curse to be uttered from you lips to us (more than once) and we just laugh it off. Thank you for teaching us what love truly is. Thank you for cleaning up my vomit and poo. Thank you for letting me have a conversation while you were in the bathroom trying to get some privacy during a very private moment. Thank you from the bottom of my heart for teaching me that no matter what I am strong enough to be a good mom to my kids (and that occasionally cursing them with terrible offspring isn't so bad after all)

Fear

Today started like any other day. I didn't want to get out of bed and the oldest was already terrorizing the house and his father. I was lazily cuddling my youngest and wondering what it would be like to stay in bed. I then realized that I had laundry to do, kitchen was a wreck, carpet needed vacuuming, errands needed to be run, diapers needed stuffing and a friend would need help with her oldest child while she was busy packing to move. All these things gave me the courage and motivation to get out of bed but I wasn't happy thinking about doing them (but how else would it get done). I looked in the mirror at my oh so sexy bed head and thought "does this hair really need a shower." We finally got all kids dressed and out the door into the car and ran our errand to good ole Walmart (I REALLY hate walmart) we did not make it home.

This is where fear and panic began.

I was walking down an isle at Walmart and I really can't remember what is was looking at when I notice Ollie was shaking. For a second I thought maybe he was cold but then realized he was more twitching uncontrollably. He was having a seizure. I whipped out my phone to record the episode in case it ended before we saw a doctor so they could actually see with their eyes what I was talking about. I then tried to get him to focus on me and see if he would calm with a gentle cuddle but he wouldn't. I dialed the pediatrician and explained what was going on and they said to run to the ER NOW! (Just like that) I stuffed the kids in the car and through tears called my husband and told him that we were going to ER. I then called my mom and through tears and babbles told her she needed to calm me down and help me make it to the ER safely. I have never felt more panicked in my life and knowing that Ollie needed help now did not help me stay calm....mommies always help. She did the best she could to keep me talking and help me focus on where I needed to go. After 10 minutes I hung up and started to pray the rest of the way to the hospital. Ollie was at this point still seizing and crying in pain. Gabe just wanted fruit gummies. I pull up the hospital FINALLy and go to valet instead of looking for a parking spot in the parking deck....the valet was not there....I waited for several minutes and still no valet.....I should have left the car but when a mommy is in panic mode she tends to be rather stupid. I got back in the car and drove to the parking deck. After I had parked I grabbed Gabe and Ollie and carried them both (I am superwoman apparently) into the ER. Had to go through security (which there isn't any at the main entrance which is kinda weird) and got to the nurse finally. She asked what was going on and I told her I think my son is having a seizure. She asked if I had dropped him and I just looked at her all funny, telling her he has congenital CMV (which no nurse really understands) and put Ollie on her desk and told her to look at him

She grabbed a nurse and they ran to a back room where they immediately started to strip him down and put an IV in and put him on the monitor. This is the worst part of it.

All we could do was sit in a chair on the side and wait and watch. Within 2 minutes (nurse called emergency team in NOW!) we had 20 people surrounding him on the bed. There's were two doctors asking me questions about his medical history, weight, who are his doctors (we have four specialists now) and how long this had been going on. Finally after yelling Ollie's weight at them  three times they gave him meds to calm the seizures down. He had an IV in and slowly people started to trickle out.....at this point he had been seizing for an hour. 

After things settled the physicians we're asking me what the seizure looked like in e beginning. I then took out my phone and showed them what he was doing. It became a very famous video among the physicians (I guess people don't stop and film it usually and I don't like reenacting) they kept asking to watch it over and over again.

The medication he was given made him so loopy and tired that he was like a rag doll. He had no control over any part of his body and he kept yelling and making a strange noise. I was terrified, trying not to cry and trying to be as calm and cool as I could....I felt like a giant mess. We eventually had a CT and 5 hours later we were moved upstairs and put on a monitor and hooked up the his EEG machine. He started to come our of his loopy stage and act more himself. The biggest relief was being able to finally nurse him and cuddle him and help him feel my arms around him. 

As he started to wake up more he started to act like he was in pain and uncomfortable. I was able to get the nurse to give him Tylenol and let him be swaddled. Now he is sleeping hard and only waking when he is uncomfortable. 

I am grateful that we made it here safely and that I was able to get him the care he needed. I am still living with my heart in my throat and emotionally unstable from this scare. I know that this can come with Congenital CMV but I never knew what I would do if it actually happened. I wish I could express how much I love my babies and how terrified this made me. We are so lucky to have such supportive friends and family around and that he is here with us today. I worry that this is only the beginning and more scares could be on the way and I wonder if I can physically and emotionally handle it. This is a very big challenge and I am afraid for my child. I love you Oliver and I will forever protect your and love you. 

Peace

Disclaimer....If you are not interested in a spiritual/religious post DO NOT READ!

As of late I have been trying really hard to gain a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

I have had a rough year. Ok, I know there are people out there who have it much worse than we do and I am not starting a pity party (no tears here!) but I have been challenged spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Through all of this I think that my relationship with my Heavenly Father has really taken a hit. I try hard to be very grateful to Him for the blessings that we have. I mean think about it, we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, a loving relationship with my husband, two b-e-a-U-tiful children, and a Father who loves me. Our life is full to almost overflowing BUT occasionally we get this bout of "why?"

When we were told about Oliver I prayed.....I prayed hard. I prayed to help me keep my baby, I prayed that we will be able to carry him to term and that he will be as healthy as God needed Him to be. I prayed for myself, I pray for my strength and to keep it together. I don't handle stress well at all, I kinda feel like I can only manage one thing at a time, somehow I was able to keep my sanity. Seriously the amount of tears that were shed should get the whole world our of drought.

Prayer......I have never understood the importance of prayer until recently. 

Through prayer we are able to talk to our Father in Heaven. We kneel down and thank Him for our daily/yearly blessings, ask for what we need, add a little extra and we close. It is our way to communicate our needs and let Him know that we are thinking about Him and acknowledge His hand in everything.

Prayer has become something more for me. Never have I prayed to my Father with more gratitude in my heart. At first it was hard to be as grateful as I have been recently. I have wonderful friends that He has sent to me at the perfect time in my life. I have the perfect husband (most days) and children. 

I have come to feel that when I pray I'm talking to my Father almost like I am talking to my earthly dad. Sometimes I just have to check in with Him and have a one on one with Him. I know he is watching and aware of everything but I feel that just letting Him know what is going on helps. I like to let Him know that I see what blessings he has given to my family and our lives each day. I open my heart and feel that I start to calm down after a very rough day. My husband told me that God likes to hear from us, it makes Him happy to know that we think about Him often. It's just like our parents, they like to know how we are doing and want us to check in often. They want to know how we are doing and that we are okay, same thing for our Father in Heaven. He wants to get a status update (not like facebook or instagram)

Having the power of prayer in my life has allowed things to settle down. I have a sense of peace in my life because of my Relationship with my Father in Heaven has started to improve. It was rough there for a very long time and I have started to actually realize that I need Him everyday (it only took 20+ years) Sometimes we have to focus on one thing to improve in our lives at a time and at this time I have chosen prayer. We have had so many answers to our prayers. Have they been the way we wanted????? ah no.....If we had it our way Ollie would be perfect and Gabe would be a genius in college working his way to make the big bucks (DREAM ON!!!!) God has answered our prayers how He has seen fit and how He thinks we will best handle it. God understands what we need and when we need it. We have been blessed with two wonderful children because we are the right parents for these kids. God has given us Oliver because he feels we need Oliver to teach us to love more, to give more, to open our hearts. 

Through all of this we have prayed and had blessings and I have discovered the way our Father speaks to us is amazing. He can communicate in so many ways if we just open our hearts to listen. I have been looking for so many answers and God has given me answers through our blessings. I didn't see those answers until very recently (like a week ago, like I said I'm a little slow at getting it.....or sleep deprived) 

I believe that through prayer we as individuals can have a sense of peace in our lives. Things start to make sense and though they are not answered right away they will be as long as we have patience (not one of my strengths).