Fear

Today started like any other day. I didn't want to get out of bed and the oldest was already terrorizing the house and his father. I was lazily cuddling my youngest and wondering what it would be like to stay in bed. I then realized that I had laundry to do, kitchen was a wreck, carpet needed vacuuming, errands needed to be run, diapers needed stuffing and a friend would need help with her oldest child while she was busy packing to move. All these things gave me the courage and motivation to get out of bed but I wasn't happy thinking about doing them (but how else would it get done). I looked in the mirror at my oh so sexy bed head and thought "does this hair really need a shower." We finally got all kids dressed and out the door into the car and ran our errand to good ole Walmart (I REALLY hate walmart) we did not make it home.

This is where fear and panic began.

I was walking down an isle at Walmart and I really can't remember what is was looking at when I notice Ollie was shaking. For a second I thought maybe he was cold but then realized he was more twitching uncontrollably. He was having a seizure. I whipped out my phone to record the episode in case it ended before we saw a doctor so they could actually see with their eyes what I was talking about. I then tried to get him to focus on me and see if he would calm with a gentle cuddle but he wouldn't. I dialed the pediatrician and explained what was going on and they said to run to the ER NOW! (Just like that) I stuffed the kids in the car and through tears called my husband and told him that we were going to ER. I then called my mom and through tears and babbles told her she needed to calm me down and help me make it to the ER safely. I have never felt more panicked in my life and knowing that Ollie needed help now did not help me stay calm....mommies always help. She did the best she could to keep me talking and help me focus on where I needed to go. After 10 minutes I hung up and started to pray the rest of the way to the hospital. Ollie was at this point still seizing and crying in pain. Gabe just wanted fruit gummies. I pull up the hospital FINALLy and go to valet instead of looking for a parking spot in the parking deck....the valet was not there....I waited for several minutes and still no valet.....I should have left the car but when a mommy is in panic mode she tends to be rather stupid. I got back in the car and drove to the parking deck. After I had parked I grabbed Gabe and Ollie and carried them both (I am superwoman apparently) into the ER. Had to go through security (which there isn't any at the main entrance which is kinda weird) and got to the nurse finally. She asked what was going on and I told her I think my son is having a seizure. She asked if I had dropped him and I just looked at her all funny, telling her he has congenital CMV (which no nurse really understands) and put Ollie on her desk and told her to look at him

She grabbed a nurse and they ran to a back room where they immediately started to strip him down and put an IV in and put him on the monitor. This is the worst part of it.

All we could do was sit in a chair on the side and wait and watch. Within 2 minutes (nurse called emergency team in NOW!) we had 20 people surrounding him on the bed. There's were two doctors asking me questions about his medical history, weight, who are his doctors (we have four specialists now) and how long this had been going on. Finally after yelling Ollie's weight at them  three times they gave him meds to calm the seizures down. He had an IV in and slowly people started to trickle out.....at this point he had been seizing for an hour. 

After things settled the physicians we're asking me what the seizure looked like in e beginning. I then took out my phone and showed them what he was doing. It became a very famous video among the physicians (I guess people don't stop and film it usually and I don't like reenacting) they kept asking to watch it over and over again.

The medication he was given made him so loopy and tired that he was like a rag doll. He had no control over any part of his body and he kept yelling and making a strange noise. I was terrified, trying not to cry and trying to be as calm and cool as I could....I felt like a giant mess. We eventually had a CT and 5 hours later we were moved upstairs and put on a monitor and hooked up the his EEG machine. He started to come our of his loopy stage and act more himself. The biggest relief was being able to finally nurse him and cuddle him and help him feel my arms around him. 

As he started to wake up more he started to act like he was in pain and uncomfortable. I was able to get the nurse to give him Tylenol and let him be swaddled. Now he is sleeping hard and only waking when he is uncomfortable. 

I am grateful that we made it here safely and that I was able to get him the care he needed. I am still living with my heart in my throat and emotionally unstable from this scare. I know that this can come with Congenital CMV but I never knew what I would do if it actually happened. I wish I could express how much I love my babies and how terrified this made me. We are so lucky to have such supportive friends and family around and that he is here with us today. I worry that this is only the beginning and more scares could be on the way and I wonder if I can physically and emotionally handle it. This is a very big challenge and I am afraid for my child. I love you Oliver and I will forever protect your and love you. 

Peace

Disclaimer....If you are not interested in a spiritual/religious post DO NOT READ!

As of late I have been trying really hard to gain a better relationship with my Heavenly Father. 

I have had a rough year. Ok, I know there are people out there who have it much worse than we do and I am not starting a pity party (no tears here!) but I have been challenged spiritually, physically, and emotionally. Through all of this I think that my relationship with my Heavenly Father has really taken a hit. I try hard to be very grateful to Him for the blessings that we have. I mean think about it, we have a roof over our heads, food on our table, a loving relationship with my husband, two b-e-a-U-tiful children, and a Father who loves me. Our life is full to almost overflowing BUT occasionally we get this bout of "why?"

When we were told about Oliver I prayed.....I prayed hard. I prayed to help me keep my baby, I prayed that we will be able to carry him to term and that he will be as healthy as God needed Him to be. I prayed for myself, I pray for my strength and to keep it together. I don't handle stress well at all, I kinda feel like I can only manage one thing at a time, somehow I was able to keep my sanity. Seriously the amount of tears that were shed should get the whole world our of drought.

Prayer......I have never understood the importance of prayer until recently. 

Through prayer we are able to talk to our Father in Heaven. We kneel down and thank Him for our daily/yearly blessings, ask for what we need, add a little extra and we close. It is our way to communicate our needs and let Him know that we are thinking about Him and acknowledge His hand in everything.

Prayer has become something more for me. Never have I prayed to my Father with more gratitude in my heart. At first it was hard to be as grateful as I have been recently. I have wonderful friends that He has sent to me at the perfect time in my life. I have the perfect husband (most days) and children. 

I have come to feel that when I pray I'm talking to my Father almost like I am talking to my earthly dad. Sometimes I just have to check in with Him and have a one on one with Him. I know he is watching and aware of everything but I feel that just letting Him know what is going on helps. I like to let Him know that I see what blessings he has given to my family and our lives each day. I open my heart and feel that I start to calm down after a very rough day. My husband told me that God likes to hear from us, it makes Him happy to know that we think about Him often. It's just like our parents, they like to know how we are doing and want us to check in often. They want to know how we are doing and that we are okay, same thing for our Father in Heaven. He wants to get a status update (not like facebook or instagram)

Having the power of prayer in my life has allowed things to settle down. I have a sense of peace in my life because of my Relationship with my Father in Heaven has started to improve. It was rough there for a very long time and I have started to actually realize that I need Him everyday (it only took 20+ years) Sometimes we have to focus on one thing to improve in our lives at a time and at this time I have chosen prayer. We have had so many answers to our prayers. Have they been the way we wanted????? ah no.....If we had it our way Ollie would be perfect and Gabe would be a genius in college working his way to make the big bucks (DREAM ON!!!!) God has answered our prayers how He has seen fit and how He thinks we will best handle it. God understands what we need and when we need it. We have been blessed with two wonderful children because we are the right parents for these kids. God has given us Oliver because he feels we need Oliver to teach us to love more, to give more, to open our hearts. 

Through all of this we have prayed and had blessings and I have discovered the way our Father speaks to us is amazing. He can communicate in so many ways if we just open our hearts to listen. I have been looking for so many answers and God has given me answers through our blessings. I didn't see those answers until very recently (like a week ago, like I said I'm a little slow at getting it.....or sleep deprived) 

I believe that through prayer we as individuals can have a sense of peace in our lives. Things start to make sense and though they are not answered right away they will be as long as we have patience (not one of my strengths). 

I understand but.....

So this week is World Breast Feeding Week. I have no problems with that, not at all but I do need to share my views.

The past several days I have seen many different shots of women breast feeding their babies. I breast fed my first and I am currently breast feeding my second. I was not able to go as long with my first as I would have liked so we had to use formula for about 6-8 months. I am currently breast feeding my 5 month old and don't plan to stop any time soon. I have my boobs (gasp) out of my shirt most of the day, this kid suckles whenever he feels the need day and night. I don't use a cover in my own home so my oldest sees boob. Lets face it he has seen much more, but that is for another day. I think breast is best, I believe that it really has the nutrients that every child needs and God gave us boobs for something (other than men) (no she didn't). I also know that there are mommies out there who can't feed their babies the same way I can or choose not too and that formula has been made and modified to give babies the nutrients very similar or close to what is created by my body. My oldest did not suffer in any way by being fed formula for many months and he is the roughest toughest kid around. AND (shocker) we used Walmart brand formula!!!!! (yes I'm a bad mommy who likes to save a penny here and there) did I mention he is still alive? SO I support you booby feeding mommies out there and if you are nursing in public I will not gasp in horror or ask you to cover up. I applaud you for making a choice and sticking by it and you have my high five the whole way.
I personally am not a person for flashing my boob all over town, if I nurse I will cover myself and my son or go find a private area to nurse. I don't necessarily agree with nursing and shoving it in your face. I think it is a very private thing for mommy and baby. It is a very personal thing for me and my son to bond, I like looking in to his eyes and holding him and cuddling him but I like to do it where it is quiet and private. I will cover because you don't need to see my boobs. My kids and my hubby can but not you, stranger. I like my boobs and I like to have modesty also. Modesty is sexy right? If I'm in a public are where men will be I will cover myself but if I'm only around women I will be boob out!! (after assessing the situation). I respect others and understand if it offends you. I don't always want to see some strangers boob just because they are nursing a child but I also understand if the baby doesn't like to be covered and nurses better uncovered.
OK.....lets go back about 50 years. My grandmother grew up in a time where nursing was considered improper, formula was the way to go and that is what you did. Of course they had a choice but a lot of people (like my grandmother) chose not to nurse because Dr. would say that it was healthier for the babies to be on formula. My mother nursed all four of her kids but that was in a time where it was just starting to be supported and encouraged and A LOT of people were horrified, HORRIFIED, if a women nursed much less in public. SO the people who are getting upset are people who grew up not truly understanding the importance of nursing, They may have been raised where it was considered improper or wrong. They see it as an indecent thing to do in public. These are also the people who listen to us talk about the sex and drugs on tv that isn't being blocked or the cuss words that people say. We are taught that all these things lead to bad thoughts and immoral activity, but it's ok for us to just whip out our boob and feed our younglings. It's not sexual it nurturing. Boobs are boobs whether they feed the little people or create any funny feeling in your pants. I feel that some modesty is required or considered but at the same time I understand why it may not be necessary. Before I had kids I couldn't believe that a mother was nursing her child in a waiting room and i was disgusted. I would always be embarrassed and feel awkward if a mother tried to soothe her crying child in public with no cover and not even try to cover  it. I know that when you cover your baby EVERYBODY knows what your going to do (who puts a blanket over a babies head to put them to sleep?) but at least you made a decision to not upset any other parent or person and have some modesty. (people still have an imagination).
I will never tell you to cover yourself if you are nursing, I will never tell you to leave the building or room if your feeding your baby. I PERSONALLY want to have some modesty and keep myself covered (modesty is sexier). Trust me at home I am all out there but when I'm in public it is easier to be covered. Even in Florida where it is hot as hell I try to cover with a light weight blanket or go into a private room or booth. Judge me or hate me but I feel that it is a double standard. Nobody should be looking but we shouldn't have anything for them to look at (like naked boobs).

 Again I support breast feeding whether it is in public or not. I am not brave enough personally to have my boobs showing all over town but if you are power to you. Before you get offended when someone asks you to cover up just remember that cultures, people and their backgrounds are different. They have their reasoning just like you do.