frustration

Today was a rough day for us. We found out that our youngest son is indeed mentally and physically handicapped. He is a 5 month old baby and today we found out that he behaves like a 6 week old. No head or trunk support lasting more than 5 seconds, the inability to track well, trouble stretching out his legs, the inability to roll over, he won't reach out and grab his toys, grasp items for longer than 2 seconds.....on and on it went. Over the last several months I personally have been trying to get him to do these little things by tummy time and supporting him when he is sitting on my lap or even trying to show him how to roll over....I personally feel like I failed in avoiding the inevitable.

I have a bad habit of doing that, trying to do the best I can to pretend it really isn't there and acting like everything is normal...this is a bad habit (slaps hands) seriously, if I don't confront it maybe it will go away. NOW don't start judging me and calling me a bad mom (finger wag in your face). I don't do that with my kids. I honestly thought that my baby was going to be a little behind but not A LOT behind. I have been working with him on stretching and moving his arms and flexing but it wasn't enough and today I found out that I wasn't even close to achieving enough with him. I take him to his appointments (there is one almost every 10 days it seems) I change his diapers, feed him boob juice (did she just say BOOB!!!) , cuddle him when he needs it and work with him on the ground at getting strong but somehow it doesn't seem to be enough. We really have no idea if therapy OT or PT is really going to make a difference but I'm going to give it a shot and work really hard at it with him. The sad part???? This is really the beginning of it all. He is going to need "special" attention for the rest of his life.....so why the post??? I didn't know it was this bad.
We have been told by our audiologist that he can't hear low tones.....WHAT does that mean??? what exactly can he not hear??? NO ONE CAN TELL ME!! Today I found out that he can't hear the rustle of paper, the rattles that babies have, the crinkling of a sack, whispers can't be heard......OHHH!!! So now it begins to sink in.
It's like thinking everything is ok until you actually start talking about it with other people and putting it in words, that's when you start to realize that maybe you are crazy and insane and bonkers.
The hardest part was telling my husband the "bad" news. When he was born I was told that he will be somewhat slower than other kids, our pediatrician said that he will be behind but we just have to work hard with him and he will graduate from high school, our neurologist thinks that would be a miracle. I had to tell my husband that our new baby is not normal and never will be. Granted we knew this was a possibility but he has a bad habit of thinking the good things in life when it comes to his kids. He thinks that the Dr's are exaggerating and that he will come out on top. Every time I have to give him a bad update about his kid I feel like I just shattered his world. He will process it over time and come to accept it but giving the news is the hardest part. When you see your husband crumple under the news it really makes me feel like the bad new bears and I want to take it all away.

I am frustrated at the situation, he's is the happiest baby, he is a blessing, but thinking you are doing everything but you need to do more is the most frustrating part.